What Is Toxic Positivity & Why Is It Bad?

Dealing with a major family illness can be extremely painful, distressing, a situation that can leave you feeling helpless and hollow. I faced such a situation last year. There were many friends and family who were quick to help, or at least advise. Among the many pieces of advice, those that stuck with me were the calls of staying positive. “Just be positive”, “it is just a part of life”, “be grateful for what you have”, “it could have been worse”, “look around, the others are suffering more,” were some of the advice we received. Now don’t get me wrong, these were coming from well-meaning people, who were just trying to help. However, all these sermons of “stay positive”, made me feel worse, even guilty as if something was wrong with me, and I shouldn’t be feeling those emotions in the first place. And I did believe I was wrong for a long time until I stumbled upon a social media post on ‘toxic positivity’. 

Positivity, as the name suggests, is believed to be a positive emotion, the one that is meant to motivate you, to be hopeful for a brighter future. However, when it is forceful, and completely delegitimizes real emotions, of pain, suffering and fear, then it turns toxic. This is because instead of actually motivating you, it forces the person who is struggling to build a cocoon around him/her, sport the facade of happiness, and be terrible inside. This is something that usually happens on social media, where people always post their best foot forward. Imagine the whole world is filled with happy influencers, who always seem happy, productive, and upbeat. That would be a product of toxic positivity.

How To Spot Toxic Positivity Around

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The signs of this form of positivity can be highly subtle, before you know its actual nature, you might turn inward, contemplating ‘what is wrong with you’. However, here are some ways you might spot it:

• If someone delegitimizes your pain and suffering, and you start feeling guilty of feeling all those so-called ‘negative’ emotions.
• If despite your situation, someone tells you to “be grateful”, “look at the brighter side”, and that “things could be worse”. Now note here some of these might be coming from someone close, who means well. However, if it does the opposite, you know it is toxic.

You know you are caught up in toxic positivity if:

• You delegitimize your own suffering, do not process your actual emotions and just tell yourself to be positive.
• You feel no self-compassion and start to punch yourself down.
• You mask your true emotions to be socially likeable.
• Instead of processing your feelings, you toss them aside and just move on.
• You delegitimize someone else’s feelings.
• You tell someone to stay positive even if the other person is unable to. 

Why It Is Bad

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Human beings aren’t machines and are meant to experience complex emotions of happiness, love, affection, elation, sadness, misery, fear, pain, loss, etc. However, when you are told to feel just one set of emotions, it tends to have a psychological effect. As per a 1997 study, when feelings are suppressed, it can cause internal and psychological distress. It can even lead to psychological issues such as sleep disturbance, prolonged grief, PTSD, and increased substance abuse, as per a leading health website. 

How To Deal With It

There are ways to deal with it:

• First and foremost, acknowledge your emotions and don’t just brush them aside just because they make you feel distressed. Sit with them, process them, and come out of it stronger.
• Just like being inspired and upbeat, it is OK to be exhausted and overwhelmed. When this happens, just take a step back and rest.
• Avoiding toxic positivity doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be positive and fall into despair. Instead, start small, set small goals for coming out of the situation, facing all your fears and emotions on the way.
• Do not be a source of toxic positivity. When someone around you is in pain, or is suffering, lend him/her your ears, instead of giving your two cents that might do them worse.

It’s crucial to understand that no one emotion is greater than the other. In other words, stop segregating emotions as white and black, and let them be the different shades of grey. And lastly, sometimes, it’s just OK to not be OK, that’s just a part of the human experience. 

Photo Credit: Freepik