Have you ever heard of the phrase 'monkey-barring' in relationships? It may seem odd, but it refers to a pattern that occurs more often than you realise. It is a state where an individual maintains an alternate partner as a backup plan. and it can be a major red flag for both emotional health and relationship stability. We spoke to Dr Rahul Chandhok, Head Consultant, Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences, Artemis Hospitals, Gurugram, who explained this phenomenon, how to spot it, and deal with it.
What Does Monkey-Barring Mean?
“It is derived from the image of a monkey leaping from one bar to the next, never releasing the first until it has a solid grip on the second. In relationships, ‘monkey-barring’ is when one remains in his or her present relationship while secretly lining up another potential partner. Instead of ending things before moving on, they keep a safety net—just in case,” explained Dr Chandok.
This isn’t always about cheating in the physical sense; it often starts emotionally. Someone may begin talking to a new person, forming a strong connection, and keeping that door open while still being committed to their partner. They rarely leave without having another relationship ready to catch them.
Why Do People Monkey-Bar In Relationships?
Several reasons can drive this behavior. Here are some shared by the expert:
- Fear of Being Alone: Some individuals do not like being alone. Having a backup makes them feel secure.
- Low Self-Esteem: They crave constant approval and need to feel wanted, even if it is at the expense of stringing two people along.
- Unresolved Issues in the Current Relationship: Rather than confront issues directly, they search for an exit strategy.
- Thrill of the Chase: For others, it's excitement and ego stroke over real connection.
Psychologists tend to attribute monkey-barring to attachment anxieties; individuals who are fearful of being rejected tend to maintain an emotional safety net.
Signs You Might Be a Victim of Monkey-Barring
It’s not always easy to spot, but there are subtle hints:
- Sudden Emotional Distance: Your partner appears less engaged, but they aren't prepared to end things either.
- Secretive Communication: They guard their phone, spend extra time texting someone, or hide social interactions.
- Uncertainty About the Future: They no longer make long-term plans with you, being evasive about details.
- Mixed Signals: They're warm one day and cold the next—because their focus is divided.
While these signs don’t always mean monkey-barring, combined with gut instincts, they can’t be ignored.
Also Read: Why People Get The 'Ick' In Relationships? Expert Shares The Science Behind It
Why It’s Harmful
Monkey-barring might seem like an innocent backup plan, but it’s emotionally dishonest. Here’s why it’s toxic:
- Breaks Trust: Relationships thrive on transparency. Keeping another person as a safety net is a betrayal of that trust.
- Delays Closure: Instead of processing emotions and learning from a breakup, the person swings into a new relationship, leaving issues unresolved.
- Hurts Both Parties: The current partner feels blindsided, and the new person unknowingly enters a rebound situation.
Ultimately, it prevents healthy emotional growth and sets the stage for repeating toxic patterns.
How to Deal with It
If you suspect your partner is monkey-barring, follow these expert-recommended tips:
- Communicate Honestly: Raise your issues without blame. Ask for honesty regarding where things stand.
- Set Boundaries: Define what is okay to you and state it clearly.
- Watch Behavior, Not Just Words: If they continue to keep you in the dark or remain emotionally unavailable, that's a sign to reconsider things.
- Choose Self-Respect: If you catch yourself feeling like an option, not a priority, it might be time to end things.
Bottomline
Dr Chandhok concluded, “Monkey-barring may sound like some new dating trend, but fundamentally it speaks to something more profound—our unease with vulnerability and loneliness. Any healthy relationship takes honesty, courage, and the desire to release before it can grab onto something else. If you ever feel yourself getting tempted to hold someone on standby, stop and ask yourself: Am I being fair to them, and to myself?”