It’s common for relationship dynamics to shift over time, sometimes in unexpected ways. For many couples, a sense of imbalance can creep in, leaving one partner feeling more like a caregiver than an equal. This shift, though subtle, can create strain, especially in areas like emotional connection and physical intimacy. We spoke to our expert Deepti Chandy, Therapist and COO, Anna Chandy and Associates, who explained how to recognise and address these imbalances to restore harmony in the relationship.
A Common Scenario: When Caregiving Replaces Intimacy
Here's an example cited by the expert:
“A married couple in their mid-thirties were having difficulties in their marriage, especially linked to sexual intimacy. The woman no longer felt the desire for her husband's partner. In therapy, we explored the roles that they had been playing in the marriage over the past several months. What we uncovered was the woman felt she was playing a very ‘maternal' role with her partner, cleaning up after him, and organising his food and home,” said Chandy. These maternal feelings were coming in the way of her feeling attracted to him sexually. We had to then work on how these tasks could be done, or he could help so they could both start to see each other in a more equal light.
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The Three C’s: Care, Compatibility, and Closeness
“Healthy relationships are built on three essential pillars: care, compatibility, and closeness. These elements are crucial for maintaining a balanced and fulfilling partnership. When any of these components becomes skewed, it can lead to feelings of imbalance and dissatisfaction. Addressing these issues is vital for restoring harmony and intimacy in relationship therapy,” highlighted Dr Chandy.
Let's explore how the three C’s play a role in a healthy relationship, using the example of a couple where one partner feels the relationship dynamics are becoming more parental than romantic.
Care: Finding the right balance
Care in a relationship involves showing concern for each other’s well-being and providing support when needed. However, this care must be balanced.
Chandy stated an example of a couple where the woman feels she is shouldering too much of the caregiving responsibilities. She finds herself picking up after her partner, ensuring he has his meals on time, and performing tasks that feel more parental than partner-like. This overextension of care can lead to resentment and a loss of intimacy.
“In therapy, the goal is to decode and redistribute these caregiving responsibilities. Questions, such as “How can we share the load?” and “What level of care is appropriate for him as a partner?” are explored,” added Chandy.
It’s essential to establish boundaries where care is shared equitably, preventing one partner from feeling overwhelmed and the other from becoming overly dependent. This balanced approach helps maintain a sense of partnership rather than a parent-child dynamic.
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Compatibility: Ensuring alignment
According to a 2023 study, compatibility differs from other qualities in a partner because it’s less about the individuals themselves and more about how well they complement each other. Even if both people possess admirable traits, they may still not be a good match.
“Compatibility is the alignment of values, interests, and goals between partners. It forms the foundation of mutual understanding and shared experiences. When there is a mismatch in expectations and roles, it can cause friction,” added Chandy. In the case of the couple mentioned above, the woman’s extensive caregiving might not align with her partner’s expectations or contributions, leading to feelings of imbalance.
“Therapy can help couples realign their expectations and responsibilities. Discussing and negotiating roles ensures that both partners feel valued and understood. It’s about finding a middle ground where both partners’ needs and preferences are met, fostering a harmonious and compatible relationship dynamic,” said Chandy.
Closeness: Cultivating intimacy
“Closeness in a relationship refers to the emotional and physical intimacy that partners share. It involves deep connection, trust, and the ability to be vulnerable with one another. When the dynamic shifts towards a parental role, it can significantly impact feelings of closeness,” added Chandy. For example, the woman in our scenario might find it challenging to be sexually intimate with her partner due to the parental nature of her care for him.
In therapy, it’s crucial to address this barrier to intimacy. Questions like “Where do you draw the line between being a partner and a more parental figure?” help in redefining roles and behaviours. By establishing clear boundaries and ensuring that care does not morph into overbearing responsibility, couples can restore their emotional and physical closeness.
Bottomline
Chandy concluded, “Healthy relationships thrive on a balance of care, compatibility, and closeness. When these elements are in harmony, both partners can enjoy a fulfilling and supportive partnership. By sharing caregiving responsibilities, realigning expectations, and fostering emotional and physical intimacy, couples can strengthen their bond and enjoy a healthier relationship.”
[Disclaimer: This article contains information provided by an expert and is for informational purposes only. Hence, we advise you to consult your own professional if you are dealing with any health issues to avoid complications.]