Sex is usually shown to be easy, enjoyable, and spontaneous. But for a lot of people particularly for women, sex isn't always easy. If you dig the web, it's because of medical issues such as vaginismus, endometriosis, vulvodynia, or even emotional pain, but painful sex, medically referred to as dyspareunia, is more widespread than most can imagine. And for women suffering from this, what's worse is discussing it with their partners.
It's scary to open up with your partner about painful sex. You may fear hurting their feelings, causing tension, or misunderstanding. However, its important to know that avoiding the discussion often results in emotional distance, anxiety, and even greater discomfort, both physically and emotionally.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Painful Sex
Then how do you communicate with your partner about painful sex in a way that is honest, compassionate, and constructive? In an exclusive interaction with the editorial team of Onlymyhealth, Dr Bhumesh Tyagi, Consultant, General Medicine and Physician, Shardacare, Health City, Noida, shared a step-by-step guide to beginning the conversation and walking it through together.
1. Acknowledge Your Right to Speak Up
Above all, acknowledge that your pain is real. It's common for people to feel embarrassed or ashamed to mention sexual pain, assuming they're somehow supposed to love sex regardless of what happens. But a healthy sex life relies on shared pleasure, safety, and consent. You should get to feel good about having sex, not silently suffer through it.
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2. Choose the Right Time
Don't mention it during the middle of sex or right after. Opt for a relaxed, quiet, and non-pressure environment, perhaps while walking, after supper, or when snuggling on the sofa. Try a soft introduction such as:
- "There's something I've been wanting to discuss with you, and it takes a little vulnerability for me."
- "Can we discuss something that's been impacting how I feel during sex?"
Staging the scene with warmth and receptiveness can make your partner less defensive and more receptive.
3. Use "I" Statements
To maintain a constructive dialogue, do not blame. Concentrate on your feelings and what you're experiencing. Try the following ways:
- "Sometimes I hurt when we have sex, and I don't know why."
- "Recently, sex has hurt me, and I'd like to work it out together."
“I” statements decrease the likelihood that your partner is going to feel blamed or rejected, and they invite collaboration in solving the problem.
4. Tell Them What You Need (and What You Don't)
Your partner might be bewildered, hurt, or even guilty, particularly if they didn't know something was amiss. Let them know that your intention is greater intimacy and comfort, not to nip it in the bud. You can say:
- "I don't want to avoid closeness; I do want us to both enjoy this aspect of our relationship. But I need you to slow down or experiment differently."
- "I wish we could experiment more with stuff that feels enjoyable for me and stay away from what hurts."
Tell them exactly what does the trick: more advanced work, new positions, lube, more warm-up time, or abstinence from penetration altogether until you feel ready.
5. Be Open to Professional Help
Painful sex can sometimes be caused by medical or psychological problems that must be treated professionally. Let your partner in on it, and that you'd appreciate their support. Examples:
- "I've been thinking about talking to a pelvic floor therapist or my OB-GYN."
- "Would you be willing for us to speak with a sex therapist as a couple?"
Calling in an expert isn't failure; it's a sign of commitment to your health and your relationship.
6. Keep the Conversation Going
Sometimes, one conversation isn't sufficient. While you're figuring out what works (and what doesn't), remain in touch. Acknowledge progress, share the truth about setbacks, and continue to check in.
“Sexual health isn't a plateau; it gets better over time, and discussing it is part of preserving a healthy, intimate relationship,” Dr Tyagi concluded.
Bottomline
Sex pain isn't in your head, and it isn't something you must endure. It's your body telling you to slow down, pay attention, and make some changes. By being open and kind with your partner, you're making room for healing, intimacy, and respect. Keep in mind that good sex isn't all about bodies, it's about feeling safe, seen, and supported.